Guilty Pleasure
by TheLostMaximoff
Summary: Academy X fic. Rahne Sinclair reflects on her life and the tangled web of affection that ties her to a certain golden-skinned New Mutant.


Guilty Pleasure

By TheLostMaximoff

Disclaimer: Don't own these characters. Recently started reading New X-Men: Academy X and I like it. That's about all I'll say for this one.

I'm a nice girl, really. Everyone always calls me that. There goes Rahne Sinclair; she's such a nice girl. It was that way when I was a kid. I was such a good, well-behaved girl. I did all my homework, never broke the rules, said my prayers every night. But even back then something inside me wasn't right. Every time I did all those things it was like a voice inside me was urging me to do the opposite. Everybody's got a darker side to them, has demons lurking under their skin. I guess I'm luckier than most because when I go into wolf form I have an excuse to let it all out of me.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I used to be pretty self-conscious about my image or lack thereof. Being sexy was a sin or at least I was told so. Can't have a nice, innocent girl like Rahne lookin' like a dockyard tramp, right? Trouble is I'm not that person anymore. I don't really know whether or not that's a good thing. As I stare into my reflection, I feel it slowly take hold of me. I shift into half-wolf form. I like being in this state. I didn't know how much I loved it until I couldn't do it anymore. It's so much easier to live like this. Instinct is your only drive, if you want something you take it. You don't have to worry about complicated things like what everyone expects of you. It's really the best way to live.

As I change back to human form I turn my gaze to the picture on my dresser. Seeing the picture of Lady Moira fills me with both rage and sadness at the same time. That's the hardest part about being human, your emotions. Half the time you feel so many different things at one time and most of the time your feelings contradict each other. It's too confusing.

"And what would ye think of yuir little Rahne now?" I ask the picture, using the accent I tried so hard to abandon, "All grown up she is. Got 'erself a job, even got 'erself a . . . boyfriend." Even saying it brings up conflict inside me. The wolf inside me wants Josh; the girl on the outside knows it's wrong. I just wish one of them would finally win. Don't even ask me which one I want to win. Every time I think I know what I want from him I end up doing the exact opposite.

"Best to sleep on it," I tell myself as I pull off my clothes and slip into my pajamas. I barely finish changing before there's a knock at my door.

"It's open," I tell the visitor. I expect it to be a faculty member, probably Dani. What I don't expect in a million years is the Institute's new golden boy.

"Hey," says Josh as he opens the door, "How's it goin'?"

"Jesus Christ!" I blurt in surprise. I grab Josh and pull him into the room, closing the door quickly and making sure no one saw him in the hallway. After that I mentally scold myself for my blasphemy.

"Are ye bloody daft?" I hiss at him, "Yuir gonna get expelled fer sure, Slick."

"Hello to you too," says Josh sarcastically, "Relax, Rahne, no one saw me. I was real careful and I checked."

"You checked," I snort, my accent subsiding, "This school's crawlin' with bloody telepaths. We can't keep this up, Josh."

"Rahne, I just wanted to see you tonight," explains Josh, "Is that so wrong?" Is that so wrong? I've asked that question too many times in my life. Is it so wrong to feel what I feel inside? Is it so wrong to be attracted to a student when you're only three years older than him? Is it so wrong to love him?

"No," I tell him, "I guess it's not. You should've called though. We could've met somewhere private."

"We're in your room," says Josh with a smile, "That seems kinda private to me." I stare at him as a cocky grin plasters itself across his face. I like that grin. I like it even more that he came over here just to see me. But rules are rules. Maybe I do love him but I can't let this screw everything else up.

"You know what I mean," I tell him, "and don't talk your way around it. You know we can't be together, not here."

"You say that all the time," says Josh suddenly, "You keep giving me all these reasons why we can't love each other but I know somewhere inside you do love me."

"That's not . . .," I fumble, knowing that he's hit the nail on the head. Some part of me does love him or at least what I think is love. It's hard to tell with the wolf inside me. Is it love or is it animalistic desire? And if the wolf loves him then how does the girl inside me feel about him?

"You do love me, don't you?" asks Josh as he steps closer to me.

"I . . . I don't know," I tell him. His scent drives me insane, brings out the animal in me. Even in human form I can smell him. The closer he comes in contact with me, the more intoxicated I feel.

"I've had a rough life," I try to explain, "My feelings have been messed with too many times and I. . .."

"I'm a healer," says Josh with a smile, "I can fix it if you let me." My head says "No" but my heart and body scream "Yes". It's that smile of his. I've melted at the sight of that smile a lot of times in the past. First Sam, then Doug, and now him. But this time, that smile on his golden skin makes him look like the living sculpture of some god.

"You can't. . .," I begin but he silences me with his kiss. I feel it inside, feel the beast clawing to get out. As he deepens the kiss I kiss back in a fierce, hungry manner. I want him, not matter what objections anyone has. I am a creature of instinct. I take what I want and let rules and restrictions be damned. Right now, more than anything else in the world, I want him.

"How am I doin' so far?" asks Josh as we separate for some air.

"Just fine, Slick," I reply as I muss his hair, "You're a regular miracle-worker."

"I try," he replies with a grin, "but maybe a little more just to make sure."

"Right," I tell him with a smile, "Just to make sure." My gaze skirts past him to the clock on my dresser. I feel the animal inside me relinquish control and frown.

"Something wrong?" asks Josh.

"It's past your curfew," I tell him, "If we get caught. . .."

"You can punish me if you want," says Josh with a seductive smile.

"You know I can do a lot more to you than just give you detention," I tell him.

"I'm a healer," reminds Josh, "I think I'll be okay."

"You still have your legs," I tell him, "Might wanna use them and leave."

"I got it," he assures me, "See you tomorrow in class."

"Yeah," I tell him, feeling the guilt creep over me again. He gives me a light kiss on my cheek. The animal inside me whimpers in protest as he walks towards the door.

"I love you, Rahne," says Josh as he leaves my room and begins sneaking back to his own.

"You too, Slick," I tell him as I watch him go. After I'm sure he's gone the guilt really sinks in. What we're doing is wrong. We're breaking all the rules. I should've ended it tonight but I just couldn't. It sounds so cliché but it feels good to break the rules, to not be the "nice girl". I sigh as I move towards my dresser. The picture of Lady Moira stares accusingly at me.

"Fine mess yuir little Rahne's gotten 'erself inta," I tell the picture, "Wish ye could help me figure out what's really the right thing to do. Ye were always good at that." The picture doesn't respond. I am still left with the beast inside, the animal that says I belong with him. Is it so wrong to love someone? Everyone seems to think so but something inside me says differently. All I know is I want to be with him no matter how many rules I break. If being in love with him is wrong then I don't want to be right.


End file.
